leopardwolf. Entries tagged with grief

A bright new star shines in the sky. Mr. Wawa ( Wasabi ) crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He was 20 years old. He lived a very long, happy life. Fluffy soft and cuddles, unending purrs. Soft as a cloud. Always waahhh-ing and talking. Singing us the song of his people for some food and yums. He was the most patient and tolerant cat I have ever known. Best stray rescue and foster failure I ever could have asked for.

Any of you who have known me any amount of time, know that he meant the world to me. I love all my animals, but my cats are my heart. Wawa was a rescue from a farm in Mississippi, where he had been shot. Some of you who have been around since the old days of LiveJournal will even remember when I caught him and brought him home. Befriended him with hotdogs. So many people in the community came together to help support efforts for his rescue and vet care. He went on to become a therapy cat and Emotional Support Animal. He helped me through the most difficult moments in my life. He has been a constant source of happiness and laughs, always talkative with a wide range of vocals. Many of you over the years heard him, whether we were on the phone or playing video games with voice chat, and especially when I started streaming. He was our official gaming and raiding cat, always wishing good luck meows on big boss fights. Everyone who met him loved him. Even people who didn't like cats. He changed the minds of many people about cats. He touched the lives of many. I owe a special thanks to Sherry and Marshall, and to Brian, for when you fostered him temporarily when we were in bad living situations. You helped keep our family together and gave us hope when we most needed it. I am eternally grateful to you all. Wawa had been struggling on and off with health problems over the past few years, mostly GI and thyroid stuff. Every time I took him in for a new senior exam and bloodwork, I feared the worst. But the vets always remarked he was the healthiest elderly cat they had ever seen, besides the more minor problems he had. He had his recent checkup a month ago and everything looked and sounded fine, besides weight loss. We had been struggling with keeping weight on him, just something that happens with geriatric animals after certain point. He was on a special diet later in life and medication to help. Wawa had been improving and able to eat more solid foods again, and it gave me some hope that we'd get weight back on him and he'd be okay and I would be blessed with another year or more of time with him. His mind and his soul were always willing, but his little body just decided it was time. He passed away safe at home, surrounded with love and comfort. Wawa is in a better place now, free and whole in spirit. He will always be with us. Energy cannot be lost. It simply changes forms. Thank you for everything. We love you. Rest easy now my little Wah-ling. ------- " We'll be alive again in a thousand blades of grass, and a million leaves; we'll be falling in the raindrops and blowing in the fresh breeze; we'll be glittering in the dew under the stars and the moon . . . " - Philip Pullman

Mood crushed

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A bright new star shines in the sky tonight. Ember crossed the Rainbow Bridge this morning. We knew she didn't have much longer, but didn't expect it to be so sudden. She had been improving over the last week, and seemed more like her old self the past few days. She passed peacefully in her sleep at home. March 5th would have been her 14th birthday. I feel like I didn't do enough for her, compared to all she did for me as my first assistance dog. Ember is in a better place now, no longer in pain. She will always be with us. Energy cannot be lost. It simply changes forms. Ember dog had a metric ton of energy, the kind that doesn't just cease to exist. She wanted nothing more than to be as close as she could and make you as happy as she could. Gentle,kind soul. Thank you for everything. We love you. Rest easy now. ------- " We'll be alive again in a thousand blades of grass, and a million leaves; we'll be falling in the raindrops and blowing in the fresh breeze; we'll be glittering in the dew under the stars and the moon . . . " - Philip Pullman

Mood sad

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Just when I thought I'd be back and be able to catch up with online interactions, something else comes up. Dealing with things as best as I can. Most of it doesn't warrant expending the energy to mention. Some of it meh. Some of it sad. Most recent being the loss of one of my aunts to medical complications. It was sudden and unexpected, and still hard to accept. The circumstances around it have made me reflect on my own health issues. I have been in some bad mindspace, so I chose not to burden others with it. Not any different than any negativity I have shared in the past, so why sound like a broken record.

In better news, the Medicaid expansion finally hit. I got everything with it straightened out, I think. I went and saw my eye specialist and my rheumatologist. It was finally decided since we'd tried everything else with limited results, it was time to try adding immunosuppressants. I have been taking Plaquenil and Restasis since then. I wasn't able to until now without insurance, because the Restasis alone would have been over $500 per monthly supply out of pocket, similar to the problems I had with getting my Cymbalta before it went generic.

There is no generic for Restasis, so I am having to fight for a prior authorization for it. The insurance allowed the first month purchase to go through so I would have it, so kudos to them for thinking of the patient in these situations. Now I just hope they are reasonable to approve the prior auth since it is literally the only medication of its class and kind so there are no alternative treatments available to substitute. I also saw my new primary and she seems pretty awesome. A lot like my awesome Mayo doctor was the first time we met. Getting referrals for lab work and to see an orthopedic specialist, neurologist, and endocrinologist finally, after waiting an eternity. Here is to hoping I can get approvals for a bone density scan and MRI real soon.

Finished gathering, compiling, and submitting all the information for my Disability appeal. My rheumatologist and I sat down and compiled a whole slew of things to throw at them, based on their own listing criteria, and directly quoted those criteria and offered detailed information for a functionality report based on models they use, which should be more than enough medical evidence to support my claim and get approval. Now it is just a matter of waiting again. It could take a year or more before the case is even issued to a judge. Unless someone in the processing department reviews it and sees how blatantly it is that I meet listing level criteria and should have been approved the first time around. Jump. Through. Hoops. Makes my fur bristle the more I have to conform to their inadequate process.

The benefit of waiting is that it gives me that much more time to research and be thoroughly prepared for the hearing when the time comes. I did speak with a helpful woman in their support department who sent me some information for legal assistance for low/no income individuals. I plan to utilize it if I am able to. It's not the same as retaining a private attorney, but I'm sure I can learn something either way if I qualify to use it.

Back to catching up on things I missed.

Mood okay

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10 years ago my life changed forever when Hurricane Katrina made landfall along the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and Mississippi. I lost my lifelong home and everything in it, as did many others in the effected regions.

"Get over it" some people say as they sneer at those of us living here because "the region is known for flooding and hurricanes". I want to point out that the areas that were most drastically effected by the hurricane, were areas that actually *NEVER* had problems on the scale we saw in Katrina. Slidell ( where I lived ) was north of the Lake Pontchartrain and in the 22 years I lived there, we never, *ever* flooded or had severe hurricane damage at our house.... until Katrina.

We were far enough (about 6 miles ) inland and above sea level to where it had never been an issue. Same can be said for the hardest hit areas in Mississippi, from Gulfport, to Waveland, on through Biloxi. Unless you lived right on the lakefront or beachfront or in a low area, the worst you had to worry about was wind damage as opposed to severe flooding. Even many places that did get water, it was normally only a few inches to at most 2ft or so depending on where you lived.

To those people who would still sneer, I point toward New York and Hurricane Sandy. They weren't expecting a hurricane to bring severe flooding and damage either, and like many of us across Louisiana and Mississippi, they lived in an area where it wouldn't normally have been a problem. Should they have "gotten over it" because "they chose to live there"? Those same harsh words sound vastly different when applied to a similar situation, don't they? Katrina was a far larger, more powerful, and far more destructive storm. Not just New Orleans suffered, where most damage was done because the levees/seawalls failed, and water rushed in - in most cases hours after the worst of the storm had already passed. Slidell didn't have levees/seawalls or need them, and neither did cities in Mississippi that were destroyed. It was likely tornadoes spawned from the storm, as well as the storm surge itself that at times was pushed 6 to 12 miles inland ( carrying boats and everything else it swept away with it mind you), that caused the most destruction across multiple cities and across multiple states.

It's very difficult to talk about what I went through during that time, and what I witnessed others go through. It's been 10 years since it happened, but it still feels as raw as if it were yesterday.

I've been living out of boxes for the past 10 years because I don't have a home of my own anymore.

I have been living by the good grace of others a majority of that time. It leaves one with intense mixed emotions. Full of thanks and gratitude. Yet never feeling like you really belong. Never feeling settled. You know it is only temporary. You'll collect all your boxes and go somewhere else soon enough, so why bother to unpack anything?

Or worse now that I am living in New Orleans again. I dread the warmer months now and the storms they might bring. Having to pick and choose what to take if we have to run from a storm. You can't take it all when you run from a storm. Knowing you might lose everything all over again. I can't describe how gut wrenching it is.

I would rather live anywhere but here. Further inland, maybe up toward Baton Rouge. But family and their livelihoods are here and their support is here. None of them have ever talked about wanting to move elsewhere, and I don't have the luxury to choose since I am currently not able to hold work and support myself with my health problems.

I never had a chance to really properly grieve. Never had a chance to really properly recover and heal the damage done.

You learn to let go as much as you can and move on.