leopardwolf: (Default)
Stress Flair Having an autoimmune attack relapse thanks to some unnecessary stress regarding being out of $500 from my service dog/medical fund, but we'll talk about that in detail later if the money doesn't magically appear by this Friday. My body is having an absolute fit. Face is swollen again from angry glands and blocked draining. Reef Scare Woke up from pain early AM to discover to my horror that my reef tank temperature had dropped to 73F. It's supposed to be 80F. I just replaced the old heater with a brand new one with a gift card from Petsmart, because it was showing signs it would go soon. So here I go deliriously flailing through pain and medicated stupor, thanking the gods I hadn't thrown the old one out yet, digging out the other old one I use for water change heatups to try and bump the temperature back up before anything died off. Unfortunately it looks like one of my SPS propagates is toast. Half it already slothed off and bleached out, the other half tissue necrosis and slothing starting. I fought with this species since I first got the frag from father in law's tank as a rescue. If the tissue bed isn't thick enough it self destructs at slightest change. That's how I realized the old heater was starting to go, the temp wasn't holding stable and it showed signs of distress from it. Thankfully I still have a thick patch growing nearby and it looks okay. Sometimes the colony will recede into the structure and might come back with time, and a lot of luck. Otherwise I will try and transplant some onto the coral bone and hope it takes hold. Because, science! Art Share I have gotten used to the new medication enough to where I think I can get back to detailed art work without making a total foobar of it. I have a few long overdue pieces I will be sharing for winners of contest ages ago, and I will be working on the happy dog painting, streaming more of the progress with it, probably starting some tonight if I can get this swelling to go down a tad more so I can see out both eyes clearly. I will post the stream link once it is set up and live when I do work on it, though may just randomly work since I can't predict how angry my body will get. Hoping everyone else is having a better kickoff into 2017.
leopardwolf: (Default)
Went to see another potential foster this evening. Was expecting a 90lb+ dog and the pics even looked it. The dog had lost a lot of weight while in shelter they claimed from depression or whatever. He was a little taller than Ember, and I could imagine if he did put on 20lbs he might be okay for the work. He was perfect with other dogs, cats, kids, living with them all at the foster house. He seemed fine, just lacking in some leash manners but not horrible. So I said I would give him a shot. Stopped by their local Petco for supplies. While fitting a step in harness to this dog, he became reactive. I think it was the way I was touching him or the place around the hind legs and groin area trying to repositioning his body and legs so I could get a better angle to slip on the harness and adjust it. He was stressing some while in the store, but still took treats. He had tensed up and I heard a low growl, so I stopped and watched him. There were people across from us making a bit of noise and they had a dog trying to get closer, so I thought it may have been the other dog I heard. I started to reach back for the hind end to loop the harness through and he tensed again and turned his head slightly so I stopped again until he relaxed and was slack jaw. Instead of leaning in to loop the harness as I had originally planned to ( which would have put my head/face right in line if he swung around on me ), I angled one arm low and came around with the other to feel at his leg and hip, wondering if he was in pain. I moved his leg slightly with my hand and there was a throaty snarl and he was turning to latch for my arm. I managed to block him with the arm I had angled against his chest for safety and held the collar so he couldn't jerk away and try again. When he realized he was partly restrained he outburst with a lot of snarling and a warning bark that had some people coming over to see if everything was okay. Which was pretty embarrassing because I looked like some idiot who couldn't control their dog. That kind of reaction to such simple handling is a serious red flag, and probably part of the reason he ended up in the shelter to begin with. I couldn't risk it. I brought him back to the foster. Goodness forbid if someone else starts to take him home like I did, and is not as dog savvy, and ends up getting nailed by him. I told them what he had done and why I had to bring him back, but I don't think they took it seriously. He was the last dog on my list in the area to check. Another 15 dogs down. All I keep getting around here is heartworm positive and severe behavior issues dogs. That disqualifies them as service dogs flat out. I can't afford to put money out to try another puppy. Going to curl up and cry away my frustrations.
leopardwolf: (Default)
A friend offered to watch Chakotay so I could "test drive" some foster dogs from the local shelters or rescues and such. I have been looking for months, much how I did when I went looking for and found Journey. Nothing in the local area young enough, big enough or heartworm negative. I came across a listing for a dog claiming he was a Lab X Mastiff mix, which I thought was perfect for size and possible good characteristics. Went to see him... the dog was smaller than Ember, and more of a Pitty mix. He was beautiful and beautiful personality, but too small. So I asked to see what else they had. Only one really fitting big enough was an American Bulldog. Had good personality and some basic obedience, we tried cat testing in the cat room and he didn't seem interested in them and even went up to sniff one cage and got nailed and didn't even react, just turned away. Perfect I thought. Went back to test him with Ember and they liked each other. Okay, willing to give him a chance. He doesn't weigh 70lbs like we thought by the size of him, but 103lbs! Mega perfect! Find out he's heartworm positive. Nrgh. Okay. Shelter is willing to work with me, so I agree to try him on foster. Always cautious when introducing strange dogs to my cats, especially one as big and strong as him....he gets excited when he realizes they are there, and it is prey drive excitement. I tried a few different approaches to get him to calm and ignore them, which he actually caught on to amazingly well when realizing he got yummy things for ignoring the cats. But he kept doing the eerie freeze/silence/stare predatory stalking behavior thing. He also tried to nip at Wasabi through the kennel when Wa came over to politely say hello ( if the bars had not been there between them the dog would have made contact, which is very dangerous ). I can't risk that with my cats. I can't risk he go after some other random animal in public and risk dragging me down or worse. I am totally fine working with large, powerful dogs. I have all my life. But at the same time I can't risk injury to myself to fight against trying to reshape that kind of prey drive on a dog that big. I hate to say it, but I don't have the time or energy or finances to do so. So I will be bringing him back tomorrow. Back to square one. It is getting harder and harder for Ember to do what I need her to do for me, and I am afraid she'd work herself to death if I didn't stop her. I am afraid of facing being in public without a service dog after all the freedom and peace of mind I have had with my partners, but I am running out of time and options. Fundraisers don't work ( I can't even help save a cat with a broken leg fast enough). The waiting list for CPL or any program is going to be longer than I can wait, and I don't have $5k-$7k just to travel for team training. I don't even have $2k to get a well bred pup with health guarantee (if something is wrong breeder will take it back and replace it and their parents are screened for HD/ED and temperament tested CGC and above). I feel like just totally giving up. I can't do it anymore.

Melted Puddles

Wednesday, October 5th, 2016 08:52 pm
leopardwolf: (My Mind Escapes Me)
The last month or so has not been pleasant because our AC unit was progressively working less and less. All this time I thought it was just me, since I overheat so easily. It's probably the main reason I kept getting so sick on and off. But these past few days it totally stopped working and we had to have the repair people out to service the unit. I was melting into puddles of sad Lhunie-ness and living in front of my tower fan on high. It was as hot inside as it was outside, somewhere around 83F. Thankfully it is all better now and back to icebox comfortable and I am already starting to feel better.

Speaking of melted puddles. Ceramics! I have successfully fired two glaze loads in my kiln, woo! I waited till after the AC was fixed to start up the second glaze load, since the kiln maxes out around 2,220F for the firing runs I do. We didn't want to add to the miserable heat from the AC not working.

I am all excited about upcoming ceramics projects and other hot art plans!
leopardwolf: (My Mind Escapes Me)
In other news. Cleaning 5 gallons of RODI water out of my car's trunk was *exactly* what I wanted to do with my afternoon. /sarcasm So much for getting grocery shopping done. Lets hope the trunk mats dry out by tomorrow and I am feeling well enough to go then.

Stupid Computer

Saturday, August 13th, 2016 03:58 pm
leopardwolf: (Default)
Spent the last few days fighting with my computer again. Just when I was getting everything back in order from the hard drive crash where I lost data and art and things, Windows decides to self destruct itself so badly that it screwed up my boot sector. I couldn't even access recovery mode or anything similar, nor could I rebuild the boot and registry data.

So all the programs that I had installed on my second drive in case something like this happened.... nope, won't work now. I have to do everything all over again. I only lost a handful of things I had saved to my desktop. I got into the habit of moving everything over to my non-OS drives. I don't think I lost anything important except for video edits, or I just haven't realized anything else is missing yet.

Unfortunately this reinstall is glitching out on updates and hanging. Which means I have to reinstall AGAIN. I haven't bothered to reinstall any of my programs except Photoshop and stuff I need specifically to get ready for the trip. Which is aggravating because I can't use my other editing programs or Painter as I had planned. I will get this stuff edited and posted, once my computer stops sabotaging my progress. When I get back from the trip to OKC I am going to wipe it clean and install, make sure everything is stable, reinstall all my drivers and programs, and ghost the damned drive and make backup points. I should have this last time around. Live and learn.
leopardwolf: (My Mind Escapes Me)
The Social Security Administration denied my Disability claim.

Despite the overwhelming evidence I submitted. Probably because they didn't bother reading any of it. Not surprising. Their job is to deny everyone.

Time to appeal and fight back. It'll go to hearing before a judge. I knew it would happen this way, I was expecting it. My current plan is to represent myself. I have already been formulating a best method of approach. I will probably be contacting people to request testimonies and witness statements as evidence for the court case.

I will need help and support through this difficult process. My life depends on this having a positive outcome. That may sound dramatic, but it is the truth. Without aid, I have nothing. I am out of options.
leopardwolf: (Default)
Quick update. Ankle is still tender but as long as I am not on it too long I can tolerate the pain enough to walk on it for short amounts of time and for short distances. Puppy is doing good, will write more about that in a puppy update I am working on.

Getting increasingly aggravated with the SSA and this disability determination process. They sent me ANOTHER letter requesting info I already gave them. This is the third time they have done so.

I filled out the application online and it specifically asked for this info and I filled in the blanks. Then I also submitted it with the info I gave them to copy in person. All of that info was carefully organized and selected because they had already asked for it, or I knew they would ask for it, so I included it thinking it would help them and make the process more efficient.

So how can you not have it and still be requesting it unless clearly you haven't bothered to actually look through my entire file?

Or you are just wasting time, resources and paper.

The fact that one of my conditions is actually listed on the SSA "auto determination list" should make this entire process totally irrelevant. But noooope.

Because, government.

Fall Down, Go Ow

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 09:51 pm
leopardwolf: (Default)
Apologies in advance for excessive use of vulgar language here, but pain warrants it.

I fell and hurt myself. I was on the floor almost 20mins waiting for it not to hurt as much. My ankle/shin front hurts like a fucker now. My elbow is split open, it caught most of the fall and slide.

Think I sprained it, high ankle sprain. Doing laundry, fucking washcloth I didn't see, slipped against tile floor, I tried to recover and locked legs to balance, I think it twisted, then I felt a sharp intense pain and leg buckled, went down hard and hit elbow going down, caught self on edge of bed. Landed right between bed and puppy kennel.

Ember was right on me seeing if I was okay and then puppy started bawling and pawing at me through the kennel. I was literally seeing red it hurt so much and knew if I got up too fast I'd pass out, I could feel it. So just lay there with the dogs and cats worrying at me till I felt safe to sit up and crawl to desk to reach my cell.

Keep ice/elevating it and put on ankle stabilizer and ACE bandage. It hurts real fucking bad just sitting here no matter how I rest. Hurts more if I bend it a certain way. Constant throbbing burning, and hurts to bear weight but I can walk on it. If I put any pressure against shin area it hurts like a fucker. Even uncomfortable with ankle brace and ACE bandage against it.

Going to try and force to walk on it though because if it is tibia/fibula that is bad place to get weakness, and feels like it is.

I just don't want my other parts to get angry and fucked up because of it. Knee and hip will be next and hip on that side was already snarky. But pain in shin/ankle has brain totally ignoring rest. Then the other side of my body is going to get angry for compensating and working too much to make up for the injury on the other side.

Ugh. So much for being as productive as I wanted to be.

That's what I get for trying to clean the house more than I normally do.

Don't want to call or text mom or aunt because not much they can do. They are both 2hrs+ away right now. Aunt went to visit friends for the weekend so I am home alone with the animals.

I don't want to go to the damned ER. They are such shit here and don't think I can comfortably drive myself let alone get to ER I went to last time because there is no parking and there is no way I am walking that far on this.

Would have to probably go to one in Metairie 30mins from here. All they are going to tell me is do what I already am for it probably, besides taking xray maybe.

Was hurting enough that I said fuck it and took two Aleve ( I am on Meloxicam so really only supposed to take that once a day and nothing else ) and Gaba. Not sure how long it should take to kick in.

Going to sit here with a Grumpy Cat look on my face and shake my cane.
leopardwolf: (Stargazing Lhunie - SyMara)
10 years ago my life changed forever when Hurricane Katrina made landfall along the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and Mississippi. I lost my lifelong home and everything in it, as did many others in the effected regions.

"Get over it" some people say as they sneer at those of us living here because "the region is known for flooding and hurricanes". I want to point out that the areas that were most drastically effected by the hurricane, were areas that actually *NEVER* had problems on the scale we saw in Katrina. Slidell ( where I lived ) was north of the Lake Pontchartrain and in the 22 years I lived there, we never, *ever* flooded or had severe hurricane damage at our house.... until Katrina.

We were far enough (about 6 miles ) inland and above sea level to where it had never been an issue. Same can be said for the hardest hit areas in Mississippi, from Gulfport, to Waveland, on through Biloxi. Unless you lived right on the lakefront or beachfront or in a low area, the worst you had to worry about was wind damage as opposed to severe flooding. Even many places that did get water, it was normally only a few inches to at most 2ft or so depending on where you lived.

To those people who would still sneer, I point toward New York and Hurricane Sandy. They weren't expecting a hurricane to bring severe flooding and damage either, and like many of us across Louisiana and Mississippi, they lived in an area where it wouldn't normally have been a problem. Should they have "gotten over it" because "they chose to live there"? Those same harsh words sound vastly different when applied to a similar situation, don't they? Katrina was a far larger, more powerful, and far more destructive storm. Not just New Orleans suffered, where most damage was done because the levees/seawalls failed, and water rushed in - in most cases hours after the worst of the storm had already passed. Slidell didn't have levees/seawalls or need them, and neither did cities in Mississippi that were destroyed. It was likely tornadoes spawned from the storm, as well as the storm surge itself that at times was pushed 6 to 12 miles inland ( carrying boats and everything else it swept away with it mind you), that caused the most destruction across multiple cities and across multiple states.

It's very difficult to talk about what I went through during that time, and what I witnessed others go through. It's been 10 years since it happened, but it still feels as raw as if it were yesterday.

I've been living out of boxes for the past 10 years because I don't have a home of my own anymore.

I have been living by the good grace of others a majority of that time. It leaves one with intense mixed emotions. Full of thanks and gratitude. Yet never feeling like you really belong. Never feeling settled. You know it is only temporary. You'll collect all your boxes and go somewhere else soon enough, so why bother to unpack anything?

Or worse now that I am living in New Orleans again. I dread the warmer months now and the storms they might bring. Having to pick and choose what to take if we have to run from a storm. You can't take it all when you run from a storm. Knowing you might lose everything all over again. I can't describe how gut wrenching it is.

I would rather live anywhere but here. Further inland, maybe up toward Baton Rouge. But family and their livelihoods are here and their support is here. None of them have ever talked about wanting to move elsewhere, and I don't have the luxury to choose since I am currently not able to hold work and support myself with my health problems.

I never had a chance to really properly grieve. Never had a chance to really properly recover and heal the damage done.

You learn to let go as much as you can and move on.


leopardwolf: (Default)
LeopardWolf - Lhunpaurwen - Lhunie

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